The one thing we can all agree on in the aftermath of the Lahaina Fire is that the events prove that my pre-conceived political and economic notions are one-hundred percent correct:
- Vegans suck. They cause the fire by pressuring big corporations and legislatures (but I repeat myself) to enact regulations that bankrupted the local small-time ranches. The former ranch lands, with thousands of acres of non-native grass susceptible to wildfires especially left fallow, created a ring of fuel for the fast-racing wildfires that devastated the region.
- Global boiling. Something something global warming we don’t need to establish first or second order effects, just accept a lower standard of living and things won’t catch fire any more.
- Stop Oil! Cheap oil, and the ability to ship red meat overseas in a matter of days makes it more economically viable to raise and slaughter cows on Iowa feed lots than the hills outside Lahaina. If you shut down oil production then Maui will stop eating red meat altogether and switch to plant-based meats, which is really what’s best for everyone. If you eat the bugs the winds will stop knocking down power lines located next to dry grasses.
- Shut down the WEF. The billionaire clients in Jeff Epstein’s circle wanted to turn Maui into the world’s first “smart city” filled with playgrounds for the eloi and dense-packed housing that would give them greater control over the morlocks who make their beds and cook their food. By burning the city down, they can grab more land from the locals and rebuild back better. Instead, we should give free and subsidized housing to my friends.
- Get whitey. It’s all those mainland haoles swamping the area with development that are the real culprits. We need to turn the entire region back over to Native Hawaiian organizations, who could better manage the land using traditional practices. Seize land from those with the wrong blood and give it to those with the right blood, ban tourists, and somehow the area will be transformed back into the paradise that it was before Captain Cook first clapped eyes on it.
- Close the borders, deport them all. Without the influx of 75 million magic-dirt Americans into the United States’ over the last thirty years, housing prices would have stabilized at an affordable level. This would have allowed more native Hawaiians to remain in Lahaina, which wouldn’t have made the previous point necessary in the first point. This also would have raised the national IQ level by six to ten points, which would mean a population better suited to managing the complex systems whose breakdown caused the fire in the first place.
- Restore the Latin Mass. It was the sinful nature of the gay-marrying state and the gluttonous tourists and Vatican 2 Catholics that brought the fires of God’s judgement down on Lahaina. Witness the Lord protecting his own – one of the few churches still offering the Latin Rite Catholic mass was spared from the fires that ravaged the area. RETVRN TO TRADITION.
These fights happen in the wake of all natural disasters. We’ve learned to never let a good tragedy go to waste, and to weaponize any tragedy against our political enemies. Or maybe we’ve always done that and just stopped pretending. All I know for sure is that it would be nice to live in a country whose people were bound together by something firmer than ‘red line go up’ and a poem bolted onto a statue. Maybe in a country like that a more unified response could be agreed upon in shorter order than we’ll get out of the smoking rubble of Lahaina.
And thinking that probably puts me square into one of the bullet points above, but I was already standing with one foot in just about all of them.