The State of Modern “Medicine”
The following conversation, which happened in Minecraft, is real. Only the names have been changed to protect the retarded.
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – A CALLOPE PLAYS SOFTLY IN THE DISTANCE
Hello, Doctor. Nice round red nose you’re wearing. Really complements your rainbow wig.
> Thank you. You must be here to get a vax_xination for the Rona today!
No, I feel awful. Please put down the seltzer bottle and test me for the flu.
> Okay, if I have to. Are you sure you don’t want –
Yes! Just run the flu test.
> Fine, but I don’t like it. *runs test*
What were the results?
> You should get vax_xinated for the Rona. I have only seen one case of the flu in the last year.
Was it the test you just ran on me?
> You have all the symptoms of The Rona. I recommend vax_xination and then want to test you for it.
Okay, so no flu test results. You said “symptoms”. You mean my body is fighting off a virus?
> Yes. But we need to test you for the virus. And then get you vax_xinated. *reaches for the needle*
So you want to treat the disease that you think I have, and then test me for it. And whether the test comes back positive or negative will determine the course of treatment?
> Naturally the test results will not change my recommendation course of action. Which I will remind you is vax_xination, but we should run the test anyway.
The vax_xination. I know how those work. You want to expose me to a small dose of the disease that is already making me miserable, to trigger my immune response.
> Ha ha ha, no! This *gently caresses the needle in his hand* isn’t the virus. Think of it as a fake virus that only looks like a virus to your immune system.
What exactly will this fake virus do for me?
> Good question, anon. This injection… *pauses to whisper, “you sexy, dirty girl” lovingly to the needle* … will trick your body into thinking you have the Rona so you can produce antibodies.
But you think I already have the real virus. If that’s the case, isn’t my immune system already producing antibodies?
> Yes, but I don’t get kickbacks for – er, I mean, you’re looking at this all wrong. Injecting this *gives the needle a long and lascivious lick* into your bloodstream won’t help YOU – it will protect those around you.
Because vax_xination is the only way to get my immune system to produce the antibodies that will fight off the disease it is currently fighting off?
> Now you’re getting it!
No, I’m really NOT getting it. Since you’re not willing to give me the results of the flu test that you administered to me, nor are you willing to help alleviate my flu-like symptoms, I’m leaving. And I’m just glad I didn’t come in here with a gunshot wound.
Well, somebody is getting a little of that sweet, genetic modification love today. *begins to loosen his pants in preparation for sodomizing himself with the needle*
Check please!
AND SCENE